2024 NFL Draft: US President Edition
How would the Top Ten look if NFL Teams had to draft US Presidents?
The 2024 NFL Draft begins on Thursday evening in Detroit. After months and months of speculating, rumors, and hyper specific data points, its finally time for every mock draft to go up in smoke after the first pick and get our results.
So instead of using cool or mildly sexual phrases:
oily hips
Relative Athletic Score
Click-and-Close
Good Feet
Plug-and-Play
Sand in the Pants
We’re doing something different. We’ll stick with the normal NFL Draft but with the stipulation a team must select someone who served as US President.
Pick #1 Chicago Bears: Chicago has the top pick thanks to the inept franchise that is the Carolina Panthers. The Bears are looking for a generational talent to inspire hope in the city of Chicago. Thus, the Bears select BARACK OBAMA.
Pick #2 Washington Commanders: The former offensive indigenous slurs now named Washington Commanders select ANDREW JACKSON. A cursory review of his record as Commander in Chief would indicate why the former Washington R———- would gravitate to Jackson. There is no end to the trail of tears for this rudderless franchise.
Pick #3 New England Patriots: The Pats like unathletic white guys to be their quarterbacks (Bledsoe, Brady, Hoyer, Mac Jones, Bailey Zappe) so stick with the home grown talent and select the slight 5’7” JOHN ADAMS to lead the team. The second President of the United States has deep roots in Boston having defended the British soldiers accused in the Boston Massacre. Not the 2023 Red Sox or Patriot season, but the one where some British soldiers killed some colonists. I’m guessing Massholes like Stand Your Ground laws.
Pick #4 Arizona Cardinals: The Cardinals need a shot of adrenaline to get something out of the Kyler Murray years. So they take a Hollywood actor and pretend Marlboro Man RONALD REAGAN to add some juice to the passing attack. Arizona isn’t known for its logical application of laws. So the fact that this guy illegally sold weapons to Iran to fund contras in Latin America and lied about it won’t be a problem. His opposition to Medicare may not play with the senior demographic in the state however.
Pick #5 Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings trade up for a quarterback having lost the most aggressively midwestern NFL player in history Kirkland Cousins to the dirty south. The Chargers are happy to slide back and collect more assets. With the 5th overall pick the Vikings select JOHN F KENNEDY hoping to capture some of the magic its divisional rival Chicago did with the first pick. Perhaps a bit of a reach at 5th overall given the limited body of work and experience before assuming office. But his charm and reputation see him selected higher than expected.
Pick #6 New York Giants: In our first surprise of the draft, the New York Giants realize they can move on from Daniel Jones in a year so they take JOHN TYLER. The 10th President of the United States, he was the first VP to succeed to the Presidency following the death of William Henry Harrison. Tyler’s experience succeeding a failed leader will serve him well in taking over the Giants in 2025.
Pick #7 Tennessee Titans: The Titans need to know what it has in last year’s 2nd rounder Will Levis at QB. To do so they must improve the protection in front of him. So WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT is the easy choice here. The corpulent former President is famous for his custom bathtub. He has NFL ready size to solidfy the OL in front of Levis.
Pick #8 Atlanta Falcons: It seems like the Falcons have been searching for help on defense for the last 20 years or so. With Cousins and the skill positions around him they can score 30 a game. They might have to. To shore up its defense, the Falcons sprint to the podium to pick former Supreme Allied Commander DWIGHT EISENHOWER. He beat the axis powers in World War II, I can’t imagine the Saints, Bucs, or Panthers will be too much for him.
Pick #9 Chicago Bears: The Bears looking to build on its pick at first overall look for another strong fit in the Chicago political machine and select WARREN HARDING. The Bears are currently negotiating (poorly) with the city, county, and state about a new stadium. Who better than President Teapot Dome from the cartoonishly corrupt land scheme during his administration.
Pick #10 New York Jets: Nixon This one is easy. The J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS are being led by a alt right anti vaxx conspiracy weirdo in Aaron Rodgers. Lets give them a delusional paranoid crook in RICHARD NIXON. The perfect parter-in-crime for Rodgers and the Jets. We considered Donald Trump but given DJT’s serious bone spurs issue which kept him out of Vietnam, 10th overall is too big a risk. Though Donald is spending a lot of time in New York lately. Aside from committing a sordid array of felonies, Nixon was a big football fan.