Sales Pitch for Camping

Do you love your family but wish you didn’t? Are you bored with sleeping in a climate controlled environment on a comfortable bed in a house with modern amenities? Wish you could enjoy none of that? Do you want to ignite a painful audit of your soul and psyche where you question every decision in your life that led to this moment?

Then try camping in summer 2025.

There are a few things you will need to know before you cosplay as Teddy Roosevelt or Davy Crockett to get in touch with nature. Because in the end, you’ll be more Waldo than Ralph Waldo Emerson. As in you,’ll find yourself with an armful of books you’ll never read with a dumb walking stick and satchel as you wander aimlessly overdressed and out of place for the given environment.

Camping is a great adventure. The nice thing is you’ll pack enough gear and provisions to occupy a small European capital city for a month but only be out there for a night or two. The shorter the duration the quicker you get back to civilization but highlights how ridiculous it is to pack so much shit for such a short trip. However, the longer your trip the more uncomfortable you’ll be but at least the time suck of packing and unpacking before packing and unpacking again is spread out over multiple bug infested, sleep deprived, unhygienic days.

GEAR

Of course you’ll want a tent. The key to a good tent is finding an old one that almost fits together. The poles seem like they slide through the sleeve things but they don’t quite. But maybe if you wrench it harder it will? It won’t. Or it will come apart inside the sleeve and that’s a whole other Thai soccer team in a cave extraction. The bungee cords are a part of this but it’s not clear how. If the tent smells like the men’s locker room at your local YMCA you’re on the right track. Ideally the fabric is frayed and faded which is a sign of its durability. There should always be sand in it even though this tent has never been near a beach. Lastly, because you’re outdoors you’ll need the right tent for the weather. Ideally it will be flimsy and drafty at night as you are chilled to your core like hearing Donald Trump’s voice. Fortunately, by morning, you’ll awake from your at most 3 non consecutive hours of sleep in a Latin American greenhouse as the sun roasts you alive.

SLEEPING BAG

In that tent you’ll have a sleeping bag. The zipper should be no more than 70% in place. Moths or your dog or something not of this world will have roosted in this at some point so there will be plenty of holes and fluff spilling out. It will be damp in one spot. A good sleeping bag keeps your legs at the surface temperature of Mercury and your arms more Neptune. Wriggle into your personal sarcophagus/body bag for bed. Remember, it won’t roll up quite right in the morning as it expanded somehow contrary to the laws of nature last night. So it’s definitely not gonna fit in the bag it came in. The tent is the same way so you get it.

FIRE

The campfire! The one good part of camping. You could just get a firebowl or something for your yard but that’s too efficient. No, pretend you were a Scout and overpay for four times the firewood you’ll actually need which may or not be wet. What are you going to do about it? Nobody has newspapers anymore so the wood alone isn’t enough. You’ll scrounge up some soggy leaves and sticks for kindling which won’t really work. But you’ll at least be able to generate enough smoke to elect a new pope. You’ll want to sit so close to the fire you’ll be physically uncomfortable as your skin sizzles and you’ll inhale ash and cinders like the fall of Pompeii. Otherwise you’ll be cold and the bugs will get you. There is no goldilocks zone in this galaxy. Sorry. But at least mosquitoes hate the fire too. That’s assuming your matches work. Which…maybe?

FOOD

That fire better work or it’s cold hot dogs and beans as every summer camper eats like they’re riding the rails in Depression era America. You naively packed some veggies but those will remain undisturbed until the next camping trip. Of course, everyone is just waiting for the main event. The S’mores. You know you can eat them NOT when camping? Oh no, YOU can’t because you didn’t buy a fire bowl. Much like the aforementioned hot dogs, your marshmallows come in two varieties. Extra crispy or rare. Either way, they’ll be sticky to a Ghostbusters ectoplasm sort of way. Did you remember to lay out the Graham Cracker and chocolate before you roasted your marshmallow? No, of course you didn’t. So now it's a one handed race with gravity winning the battle for the life of the marshmallow as you feebly try to save the treat before it falls to the dust below. Be sure to wash it down with canteen water that tastes like liquid quarters.

HYGIENE

Yeah, this section can be short. There isn’t any. Your baby wipes, antibacterial wipes, hand sanitizers, the remains of your COVID medical supplies don’t mean anything. You’re in nature now. You won’t have a real shower or clean hands until you leave. Your skin will feel sticky, dry, and clammy from stale bug spray and sweat.

So what are you waiting for? Book your camping trip today and remember, you chose to forfeit all the benefits of societal advancements to enter the state of nature. The Thomas Hobbes version.